Tweens and Thoughts on Social Media

This week I spoke with a few 4th and 5th graders about their experience with social media and technology. All the students are between 9-11 years old and attend the same school.

Student A doesn't have his own phone, but a lot of his friends do. His experience of social media is through his mom. He hates that she is constantly snapping pictures of him and posting it online for everyone to see. He feels embarrassed and hopes his friends don't see all the pictures, but they always do. He shows up to school and finds out his mom posted another picture and his school mates poke fun at him. He has told his mom to stop posting the pictures to Facebook, but she won't stop.

Student B has her own phone and a public TikTok account. She is hoping to get discovered one day and become famous from her videos. She has over 100 followers - most are people she doesn't know. She loves how she learns all the newest dances and is the first of her friends to know them. She feels really good when she gets likes. She gets anxious when she doesn't have her phone and can't check to see if she has any new followers and likes. When she is at home, all she wants to do is watch TikToks and make new TikToks.

Student C has a phone without a phone number. She uses it to go on YouTube to watch music videos and Azzyland. She also likes to play Minecraft, but her mom doesn't let her message anyone through the game. When she was 7, she messaged with someone from a  game and her mom saw the messages and got really angry. The person asked her for her age and address. Since then, her mom made her promise to not message anyone through games that she doesn't know in person. If she does, and her mom finds out, her electronics will be taken away. If she wants to download a new game, she has to ask her mom for permission first. She wants TikTok. She doesn't understand it, but she wants it because all of her friends have it. She feels left out on game day at school because all of her friends bring their phones to make TikTok videos and she doesn't know what they are doing. She wishes her friends. Her mom said she can have social media after she graduates from 8th grade in a few years. She took the Wait Until 8th Pledge.

Image from https://twitter.com/WaitUntil8th/photo

All three students have been posted in pictures on their school's Facebook page. They like the attention they get and feel famous in their school when their friends see their pictures online. What they all found weird was when they would get home, their parents already knew what they did at school that day. Student A didn't like how that made him feel. He said he felt like he was being spied on. Student B said she loves when her pictures are online. It makes her feel good when someone mentions it to her that they saw her on Facebook. Student C mostly likes the attention, but admitted that sometimes it makes her feel weird. 

Big Little Hearts Broken

Yesterday, my daughters' hearts were broken. Their father told them that he has a girlfriend - and she has a daughter - and she is pregnant with their sister. He showed them pictures of him with her, with her daughter, and with her really big belly.

The therapist told me that my baby girl immediately cried. The other gritted through her teeth and muttered how 'happy' she is with a look of shock on her face. She told me she feels sorry for them. I held back my tears and drove them home.

My oldest daughter had that look of shock on her face all evening until she went to bed and told me that she feels confused by everything. She barely said a word about it all night. She tried to hold it all in and pretends like she didn't just hear a story that is shattering her world as she knows it.

My baby girl looked to me so full of sadness and told me "I don't want to have a half-sister."

My baby girl looked to me so full of anger and told me "How could Daddy do this? He's not even married to her."

My baby girl looked to me so full of hurt and told me "He's still married to you." and what I saw in her eyes killed me inside.

My baby girl looked to me so full of pain and told me "I wish Daddy didn't tell us."

Two weeks ago my baby girl asked her father if he had a girlfriend and he deflected. Made a joke instead of giving an answer. She believed he didn't have a girlfriend and when she told me she breathed a air of relief. Tonight her breaths are short, like she can't catch it. They sit in front a mug of chamomile and start counting the months from now to when their new baby sister will arrive and realize that their father has been lying to them. "She is due in three months Mommy." He has been lying to them for at least 6 months.

I knew. I knew because he leaves a trail behind him. I knew because three months ago I saw that he used our joint bank account to pay for her 3-D ultrasound. I knew because his family put up pictures of them on Facebook.

I knew the day would come when he would break their hearts, the same he did to mine. I didn't know he would do it so soon. I didn't know how much more this would hurt. NO matter what I did, I couldn't protect them from him. I haven't been able to cry tears in years, but tonight, I can't stop.

This past year, they have seen the worst from their father. They are piecing together more and more of the story. The broken walls, the broken doors, and now the broken hearts. "Mommy, why doesn't this door close?" "Mommy, I remember when Daddy tried to punch you. He missed your head. He hit the wall right here." "Mommy, Daddy broke a lot of things."

A year ago he told them that he didn't want a divorce. He told them it was "Mommy's fault" that we are getting one. It's "Mommy's fault" that he had to move out. Now I can see their minds working to understand more of this broken marriage. They are putting all the pieces together.

Yesterday my daughters' hearts were broken. I feel helpless.